Beyond Talking Heads: The Science of Conversations That Actually Work.

Ever walked away from a conversation thinking, "Well, that went nowhere fast"? Or worse, feeling like you were speaking fluent you while the other person was tuned into an entirely different frequency?

You're not alone. Research from Stanford University suggests that nine out of ten conversations miss the mark. Yep, that’s a lot of wasted words.

For leaders, this is a red flag the size of a football field. Our ability to communicate, really communicate, can make or break our impact. And yet, most of us are winging it, hoping our message lands somewhere close to where we intended.

The good news? You don’t need to be a great orator to master conversations. By understanding the different levels of dialogue and sharpening your communication skills, you can transform your ability to connect, influence, and collaborate.

So, let’s break it down: how do you actually have a great conversation?

The Three Levels of Conversation

🔹 Level 1: Tell-Ask

This is the “Just the facts, thanks” level. It’s all about exchanging information, quick, transactional, and often one-sided. Think: confirming meeting times, giving directions, or asking whether there’s any cake left in the office kitchen (important stuff). Useful, but not exactly engaging. Overuse this level, and you risk sounding like a human instruction manual.

🔹 Level 2: Advocate-Inquire

Here’s where things get a little more interesting. This level is about persuasion, convincing someone of your viewpoint while technically still asking questions. Lawyers, debaters, and teenagers arguing for a later curfew excel at this. It can be great for decision-making but can quickly turn into a verbal arm wrestle.

🔹 Level 3: Co-Create

Ah, the conversational sweet spot. This is where the magic happens, where trust is high, ideas flow, and genuine collaboration takes place. Here, you're not just talking at each other; you're building something together. It’s where innovation thrives and relationships deepen.

So, how do we get more Level 3 moments in our lives? Neuroscience has some answers.

The Brain Science Behind Better Conversations

Understanding the chemical soup bubbling away in our brains during a conversation can help us create more meaningful exchanges.

🔹 Oxytocin: The “Trust Hormone”

Released when we experience positive social interactions, oxytocin helps us bond, build trust, and unlock creative thinking. When this is flowing, conversations feel effortless.

🔹 Cortisol: The “Stress Hormone”

Triggered when we feel under attack (even just verbally). High cortisol levels put us into fight-or-flight mode, shutting down our ability to listen, reason, and connect. If you've ever watched a meeting spiral into defensive snarkiness, blame cortisol.

As leaders, we want to dial up oxytocin and dial down cortisol in our conversations. But how?

The Essential Tools for Masterful Communication

🛠 Conversational Agility

Great communicators read the room and flex their style accordingly. Know when to push, when to pull, and when to just shut up and listen.

🛠 Listening to Connect

Move beyond nodding while secretly planning what you’ll say next. Whole-body listening eye contact, engaged posture, and actually caring makes a massive difference.

🛠 Double Clicking

No, not on your mouse. In conversation, this means digging deeper into what someone really means. Instead of assuming, ask clarifying questions like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “When you say X, what do you mean exactly?”

🛠 Asking Questions You Don’t Already Know the Answer To

True curiosity is a game-changer. Stop asking questions just to confirm your own biases, start asking ones that invite fresh perspectives. “What’s your take on this?” or “How would you tackle this challenge?”

Creating a Culture of Great Conversations

As leaders, how we communicate sets the tone for our teams. Judith E. Glaser put it perfectly:

"To get to the next level of greatness depends on the quality of our culture, which depends on the quality of our relationships, which depends on the quality of our conversations."

So, next time you're in a one-on-one, strategy session, or high-stakes meeting, challenge yourself to:

✔ Listen deeply
✔ Ask better questions
✔ Create space for true collaboration

The results? Stronger relationships, fresher ideas, and a whole lot less frustration. And who wouldn’t want that?

By levelling up your conversations, you’re not just becoming a better communicator, you’re becoming a more effective, inspiring leader. And that, my friend, is how real change happens.

Now, go forth and talk better.